So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
