is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
