I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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