Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
