if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I understand Curling. That high.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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