i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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