That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
