please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I need moral support for this bender
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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