why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
