A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
