Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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