If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
