stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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