Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
