just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.