Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.