Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.