Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow