Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
