At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
