did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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