Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
