Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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