my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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