Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
