Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
