Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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