I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
