I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
