I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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