If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
