You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
