I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
