i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
