I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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