I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
