meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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