I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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