I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
