I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
