it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just cut my nipple shaving
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
