Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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