3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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