God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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