I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
