Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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