I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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