Even the bartender felt bad for me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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