Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
