Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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