Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
