You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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