I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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