Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize