Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
