Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
