When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
