Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
