Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
