true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
