just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
