I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
