When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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